Mommy's little princess

Ella was baptized over the weekend (pictures of that soon). As I watched her this weekend, I realized that my little girl is already 4 months old and she is changing everyday. I also realized how much the Mommy in me has changed over the past 4 months. When Matthew was born, I was most concerned about making sure he had strong male role models in his life and I am so thankful for his daddy, grandpas, and uncles who provide excellent examples for him everyday. When Ella was born, something changed in me. Growing up, I didn't have a great self-esteem. I thought I was ugly and fat and was sure that no one would ever see me as beautiful. I remember people telling me things like, "You are so smart" which translated in my head to, "Thank goodness you have brains because your looks are certainly lacking." All I ever really wanted was to be beautiful and I went to some pretty ridiculous extremes to try to attain it. In 5th grade, I went from 120 lbs to 93 lbs by eating only 1 Oatmeal Creme Pie for the entire day. In high school, I stopped playing volleyball after my freshman year and started playing soccer because it required more running and I thought that would make me beautiful. I would even go to 2-a-days and then go for a 5-6 mile run afterward to try to become beautiful.

When I met Ryan, he made me feel beautiful, and slowly, some of my issues faded into the background. But when Ella was born, those feelings came flooding back. I made a decision that I did not want my daughter to struggle with her self esteem the way I did. I think as women we all have moments where we look in the mirror and tell ourselves that we are fat or that our hair looks terrible, but as a Mommy I am trying to make a conscious decision to love myself so that Ella will learn to accept herself just the way she is. I think as moms this is probably one of the best things we can do for our daughters, not just telling them they are beautiful, but believing it about ourselves. As I watch Matthew learning so many new things each day, I realize most of what he learns he absorbs by watching us. If I model a positive self image for my daughter, my prayer is that she will also have a positive self image for herself. I know she is Mommy's little princess, now I just want her to believe it!