Some random thoughts...

Today, I found out one of my dear friends from high school is pregnant with her 2nd baby. Her children will be 16 months apart. Needless to say, she is slightly overwhelmed and experiencing many of the same feelings I had a few months ago. There were so many questions like: What would I do if both kids were crying at the same time? I had anxiety about what would happen if Matthew got hurt while I was caring for Ella. I had nightmares about losing my babies in a crowded place. There were moments when I wondered why God chose me for this and although I typically consider His sense of humor amusing, I was not the slightest bit amused.

When Ella was born I remember the first night at the hospital having this feeling that I could not breathe. I knew I could breathe and I knew there was nothing physically wrong with me, but I was definitely on the verge of a panic attack. The nurse brought Ella in and once I had her in my arms, I was just fine. That was the first of several new experiences for me.

I also had post-partum blues with Ella. I did not have one ounce of the blues with Matthew. I never cried or was weepy. I was out walking around the block within a couple days of having a c-section. I really didn't feel like my life was altered that much other than I was able to bring this beautiful baby boy along with me wherever I went and have people gush over him. It was a little different experience this time around. I was not weepy until we came home from the hospital. I was still having moments of anxiety and I felt like I didn't know how to manage my time between my children. My recovery was much more intense this time... probably because I didn't do what I was told. I hurt much longer than I remember hurting with Matthew and my incision did not heal as well this time. I can't really describe it other than to say that I felt completely overwhelmed and inadequate for several weeks following Ella's arrival. I was so happy to see that pass and I can definitely empathize with women who struggle for longer than I did.

After we made the initial adjustments and I realized that both babies were going to cry at the same time and Matthew was going to throw a fit when I had to feed Ella for the 10th time that afternoon, I started to settle into a routine. I began to realize that I didn't have to be supermom. I didn't have to feel guilty when I needed to have a break for 10 minutes (I remember one day saying to Ryan when he came home for lunch, "I am going to get the mail, I will be back in 1 hour"). I didn't have to get the final dishes put in the dishwasher before bed... they would certainly still be there in the morning. I didn't have to feel bad that I looked forward to naptime, or date night, or coffee with a girlfriend. All my kids really needed was for their mommy to love them unconditionally and I have done that the best way I can.

I cannot believe Matthew is 18 months old and Ella is already 3 months old. I know we will look back at this time and laugh at how crazy it was. I know we will laugh at how naive we were only a few short months ago. I know I will laugh as I think of myself trying to get in and out of places with 2 little babies (I am sure other people are laughing at me as they watch)... but what I am most thankful about is that I am laughing along the way. I love being a mommy to 2 of the most precious little faces I have ever seen, and I can't wait to see where this ride takes us next (it will not be to a 3rd child... unless God REALLY has a sense of humor)!

As I think of all the other mommies out there who are struggling to try to figure out this crazy roller coaster called parenthood, I hope we all can just enjoy the view from the top and hang on tight because it's bound to be a wild ride! Have a great day!